Becoming a new mama means that people will want to come over and see your baby. Having boundaries as a new mama can help protect your peace and make your transition to motherhood smoother.
“Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. They help us to ‘guard our heart with all diligence.’ We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside.”
Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
When a new baby is born, people go crazy. They want to come see the baby, hold the baby, and give you all the advice you didn’t know you didn’t want. If we don’t decide what boundaries to have in place before becoming a new mama, keeping the peace in our minds and hearts becomes more difficult.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is not a wall. When we build walls around ourselves, we don’t let anyone in and miss out on the much needed support we were designed to have. This is not a healthy way to interact with the world and will take its toll on us over time.
Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, describes boundaries as a gate. Gates keep unwanted things out, but they are able to allow things inside the property that are welcome. These distinctions are important before becoming a parent. You will need to have the forethought to know what is welcome and what isn’t welcome in your home.
Planning For Boundaries
Before having your baby, thinking about what is and isn’t welcome in your home will give you a lot of peace and sanity. Babies have a way of shaking up households. You will not need family members or friends coming in to step on your toes when you are trying to figure out how to remain standing in this new role as a parent. While we need the support of our friends and family, deciding what you are comfortable with regarding your space and your baby will keep your sanity in tact.
Think about what you need and want your postpartum to look like. Do you enjoy having visitors? Are you good at directing them to make their own cups of tea or coffee? Are you assertive in the moment? Do you want to have a few days or weeks with limited visitors? Do you think a time limit would help? The more you paint a picture of what you want it to look like, the easier it will be to communicate your needs to those around you, your spouse or partner included.
Sticking to Your Boundaries
If you have friends or family members that cross boundaries often, equip yourself with phrases to repeat to them in order to establish and stick to your boundaries. For example, if you have a pushy sister that wants to come visit within a few hours after birth think of a phrase you can tell her and just keep repeating it. “We have decided to have no visitors for 24 hours after the birth. We will see you after that.” No matter what she says, keep repeating the phrase. This makes confrontation less daunting after the exhaustion of labor and delivery, yet keeps your boundary clear. If she shows up at the front door, you are not obligated to answer it.
Make a sign for the front door. There are many cute examples of this on Pinterest and online. You can remind people that you and baby are resting and not accepting visitors at the time. Remind them that if they ring the doorbell they will be in trouble. You can give instructions for dropping meals off. Anything you need to say to someone if they try to stop by, you can put the note on the front door so that the message is clear. This will give you the protection of the boundary with out the stress of confrontation in a time of sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and adjusting to the new normal.
Boundaries Can Change Relationships
Becoming a new mama will present many challenges. Having people walk all over you when you’re trying to protect your new bundle of joy shouldn’t be one of them. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable if you’ve never done it before. Boundaries are essential, however, to have a healthy and thriving postpartum period. Having boundaries as a new mama can change some of your relationships. That pushy sister? She might get mad and call you names. She might stop talking to you, or worse, talk badly about you to other people. The change in relationships can be painful. Overall, though, people who love and care for you will be understanding that you need a “gate” to protect your new life with your little one. People who love and care for you will respect your boundaries. They will not allow it to ruin the relationship. And you will be able to move forward with your baby and your new family unit with more peace and sanity.
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